tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10423474587755134202024-03-13T13:15:28.423-07:00Seriously?! Seriously?!Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-68773020304900971412009-09-21T12:30:00.000-07:002009-09-21T12:38:38.280-07:00It's been a long time since my last post... So I'm going to bet that no one will even check up to look at this post, which is great! That means I have free reign on what I can say!! YEAH!! So here goes...<br />Do you ever just have those days when everything makes you upset and frustrated? Or rather the things that normal bug you aren't bugging you, and the things that normally don't bug you are just making you crazy!! Well I have been having one of those days for the past two weeks, or at least it feels like it's been two weeks. My family, who sometimes gets overwhelming, loud, cranky, and sometimes I just need some quiet time to get away from them. The past few weeks I have just wanted to spend my time with them. I wanted to be at home, playing games with my nephews, relaxing on the couch and watching tv with my sisters and parents. Then there are other places that I usually run to when I'm ready for that quiet time that normally doesn't come at my house. Lately those places have felt restless... I haven't been able to stay there for longer than an hour before I'm ready to explode and get out! I don't know what has changed? Growing appreciation for my family? Over exposure to these other sources of comfort? Who knows, but I wish I could figure it out.<br />I've been finding myself easily offended lately, and extremely over protective of my family. It's ok for me be upset and vent about a fight, but when you start thinking my family is crazy and weird I might just punch you in the face. Now no worries no has called my family crazy or weird... yet, but still just the thought that someone might be thinking it, or saying it behind my back... get ready for a beat down!<br />Then there's always other people's double standards that make me crazy!! Oh man this is such a negative post, sorry if anyone is reading it, there are just things I need to get off my chest!!<br />Well if you read hopefully you weren't offended by something I said, and hopefully it was enjoyable. Maybe I'll start writting more!Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-53738777173382913502008-12-08T20:35:00.000-08:002008-12-08T20:38:50.694-08:00Spring Awakening!!!So once again it's been forever since I have posted but I apologize, life got slightly crazy for awhile. But now all I really have to say is this..........................................................................................<br />I AM GOING TO SEE SPRING AWAKENING!!!!!<br />I am seriously ecstatic! I leave tomorrow night to go down to Arizona, where I will spend most of the rest of the week just chilling with her and my cousins. Then on Friday I get to go and visit with my dear friend Abby, and meet my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">bestie's</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">twinner</span> whilst we watch the wonderful and fabulous Spring Awakening!! Then back to my sister's house until I return next Monday! So to all my friends I say see ya in a week... and when I return I will be closer to a whole person... <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">haha</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">JK</span>! Love you all! PEACE!Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-8270684081073605512008-09-19T11:13:00.000-07:002008-09-19T11:36:01.903-07:00Snow DaySo as I sit here in my friend Kyle's condo watching pushing daisies I realized two things....<br />A.) I am seriously obsessed with this show... and...<br />B.) Sometimes you just need to take a day off<br /><br />So I have spent this entire week running around like a mad women... From work, to teaching, to rehearsals, to doing special secret things.... And the sad part is that I haven't even had time just sit and chill with friends... there's nothing about this week that was relaxing.<br />So here I sit, sickly on my friend's couch, watching pushing daisies and falling more and more in love with the lonely pie maker, who isn't so lonely anymore (or Ned for those of you not too familiar with the show) Seriously he is adorably sweet and caring... I might add that I am insanely jealous of his girl Chuck, everything from her style, her <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">demeanor</span>, and especially the fact that Ned is absolutely and totally in love with her.<br />I'm not quite sure where I was going with this Blog but basically if you haven't seen the show yet you better get on it quick! IT'S AMAZING!!!!Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-67853797705347828432008-09-07T13:09:00.000-07:002008-09-07T13:17:46.542-07:00Advice... please?So here's the thing... I have this friend, one of my best, who I have had a major crush on for over a year, but until recently he was in a relationship... but he is now single and we have been hanging out a lot, and a lot of times it's just the two of us... now here is where the advice comes in, what do I do now? I feel like he is showing interest, but he is a very friendly guy so maybe that's just it... and the other night we had this conversation about a girl, let's call her N, who he feels like thinks he likes her, and he doesn't (just fyi N is NOT me) so the other night they were supposed to go hang out, he thought with a bunch of people, but she didn't invite anyone so as he and I drive to the meeting place he continues to explain to me how awkward it would be to spend time alone with her since he does not have feelings for her...<br />So what do I do? I treasure his friendship ALOT and I don't want things to get awkward... So I don't want to be too pushy with myself, but I want him to know that I am interested...<br />Some have told me to just tell him how I feel, "I'm sure he won't get awkward" they say... but I'd rather not chance that... Plus I don't want to chase him, I want him to chase me... so anyone with any advice, GIVE IT TO ME NOW!! haha I am in desperate need...<br />PS THANKS and I love you all!Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-88689855285707799262008-08-18T16:04:00.001-07:002008-08-18T16:09:05.352-07:00If it kills me...Hello, tell me you know<br />Yeah, you figured me out<br />Something gave it away<br />And it would be such a beautiful moment<br />To see the look on your face<br />To know that I know that you know now<br />And baby that’s a case of my wishful thinking<br />You know nothing<br />Cause you and I<br />Why, we go carrying on for hours, on and<br />We get along much better<br />Than you and your boyfriend(girlfriend)<br />Well all I really wanna do is love you<br />A kind much closer than friends use<br />But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through<br />And all I really want from you is to feel me<br />As the feeling inside keeps building<br />And I will find a way to you if it kills me<br />If it kills me<br />Well how long, can I go on like this,<br />Wishing to kiss you,<br />Before I rightly explode?<br />This double life I lead isn’t healthy for me<br />In fact it makes me nervous<br />If I get caught I could be risking it all<br />Baby there’s a lot that I miss<br />In case I’m wrong<br />Well all I really wanna do is love you<br />A kind much closer than friends use<br />But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through<br />And all I really want from you is to feel me<br />As the feeling inside keeps building<br />And I will find a way to you if it kills me<br />If it kills me<br />If I should be so bold I’d ask you to hold my heart in your hand<br />Tell you from the start how I’ve longed to be your man(women) haha<br />But I never said I would<br />I guess I’m gonna miss my chance again<br />All I really wanna do is love you<br />A kind much closer than friends use<br />But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through<br />And all I really want from you is to feel me<br />As the feeling inside keeps building<br />And I will find a way to you if it kills me<br />If it kills me<br />If it kills me<br />I think it might kill me<br />And all I really want from you is to feel me<br />It’s a feeling inside that keeps building<br />And I will find a way to you if it kills me<br />If it kills me<br />If it kills me<br />It might kill me<br /><br />I love the new Jason CD and if you haven't heard it yet you better get on that quick, it's amazing!!!!Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-86363987488696916392008-07-28T16:05:00.000-07:002008-07-28T16:13:36.406-07:00VulnerableShare with me the blankets that your wrapped in<br />because its cold outside cold outside its cold outside<br />share with me the secrets that you kept in<br />because its cold inside cold inside its cold inside<br />and your slowly shaking finger tips show<br />that your scared like me so<br />let's pretend we're alone<br />and I know you may be scared<br />and I know were unprepared<br />but I don't care<br />tell me tell me<br />what makes you think that you are invincible<br />I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure<br />please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable<br />impossible<br />I was born to tell you I love you<br />isn't that a song already<br />I get a B in originality<br />and it's true I cant go on without you<br />your smile makes me see clearer<br />if you could only see in the mirror what I see<br />and your slowly shaking finger tips show<br />that your scared like me so<br />let's pretend we're alone<br />and I know you may be scared<br />and I know were unprepared<br />but I don't care<br />tell me tell me<br />what makes you think that you are invincible<br />I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure<br />please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable<br />impossible<br />slow down girl your not going anywhere<br />just wait around and see<br />maybe I am much more<br />you never know what lies ahead<br />I promise I can be anyone I can be anything<br />just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed<br />I can be anyone anything<br />I promise I can be what you need<br />tell me tell me<br />what makes you think that you are invincible<br />I can see it in your eyes that your so sure<br />please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable<br />impossibleNessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-76507742649625948512008-07-17T01:13:00.001-07:002008-07-17T01:27:16.569-07:00Between the lines... again!I have been put into so many situations where someone has not loved me as much as I loved them, they always end up leaving me behind, it's never my choice, but I have recently been faced with a difficult decision, and it's one I have to choose, to stay or to go... This guy is so great and there for me, but part of him is not ready to let go of what he no longer has, or can't have... Now here's my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">delemna</span>... Stay and wait for him, with the chance of never succeeding, or leave, with the chance of missing out on something amazing... and for the first time it's up to me! I can be the one to say it's not worth it, the one to run away and leave him behind, but the question is... Do I want that... here are some lyrics that I found that describe my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">situtaion</span>... kinda? <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">haha</span><br /><br />Between the lines~<br />Time to tell me the truth<br />To burden your mouth for what you say<br />No pieces of paper in the way<br />Cause I can't continue pretending to choose<br />The opposite sides on which we fall<br />The loving you <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">laters</span>, if at all<br />No <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">rigth</span> minds could wrong me this many times<br />My memory is cruel<br /><strong>I'm queen of attention to detail</strong><br /><strong>Defending intentions if he fails</strong><br />Until now, he told me her name<br />It sounded familiar in a way<br />I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times<br />If only I had been listening<br />Leave unsaid unspoken<br />Eyes wide shut, unopened<br />You and me<br />Always between the lines<br />Between the lines<br />I thought I was ready to bleed<br />That we'd move from the shadows on the wall<br />And stand in the center of it all<br />Too late two choices to stay or to leave<br />Mine was so easy to uncover<br />He'd already left with the other<br />So I've learned to listen through the silence<br />Leave unsaid unspoken<br />Eyes wide shut, unopened<br />You and me always be<br />I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say<br />I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on<br />Wait for me I'm almost ready<br />When he meant let go<br />Leave unsaid unspoken<br />Eyes wide shut, unopened<br />You and me<br />Always be<br />Between the linesNessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-2360580353330554992008-07-03T09:30:00.000-07:002008-07-03T09:32:01.232-07:00I won't re-break the seal!!<p class="MsoNormal">I got a message just the other day sayin we should try again, but in a different way. You said you missed the way I made you laugh or talked you to sleep, my lullabies of words that really made ya weak. I can’t bear this cross anymore I’ve carried this burden too long I can’t fall in love with you after what I’ve been through.</p> <span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: "Lucida Sans Unicode","sans-serif";">When I feel like I have reached my peak and I’m finally free, you pull me down the mountain sayin “come back to me” well I’ve spent too much of the precious time healing all my wounds and I won’t let you re-break the seal. I can’t bear this cross anymore and I’m sorry I want to be happy I can’t fall in love with you after what I’ve been through, when the pain finally get’s to you maybe you’ll feel how I do.<br /><br /></span> <p class="MsoNormal">You will never know the pain I’ve felt but I’ll still let you have a taste and now that I’ve broken the chains I can live I can love I can die, I can’t fall in love with you after what I’ve been through when the pain finally get’s to you maybe you’ll feel like I do </p> <p class="MsoNormal">And now that these chains can no longer restrict me I can live I can love in peace and now that I’ve lifted you off of my shoulders I can fall in love and die in peace.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I can’t fall in love… I can’t fall in love… I can’t fall in love with you.</p>Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-24757450593097413312008-05-31T22:54:00.000-07:002008-05-31T23:04:43.926-07:003!!!So Casey tagged me... and now it's my turn to do this...<br /><br /><em>"How to play this game of tag: Post these rules on your blog. List 3 joys, 3 fears, 3 goals, 3 current obsessions/collections, 3 random surprising facts about yourself. Tag 3 people at the end of your post by leaving their names. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog."</em><br /><em></em><br />3 Joys: Dance, Friends, Lyrics/music<br /><br />3 Fears: Breaking my collarbone, I know it's a weird one... but hey..., Loosing people I love, either to death or just them leaving me behind, being kidnapped<br /><br />3 Goals: Find out what it is that I need to be doing, be my best ( not the best), become more independent<br /><br />3 Current Obsessions: The Call by Regina Spektor, Photoshoots, Footloose <em>The Musical</em><br /><em></em><br />3 Random surprising facts about me: I really like my job, I am doing Footloose for the third time, I really wish I could play the guitar<br /><br />3 People I tag: let's see... Julie, Kelly Marie, and well those are the only two I can think of...<br /><br />Well hope you enjoyed that one... hahaNessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-155688439322443382008-03-12T22:20:00.000-07:002008-03-12T22:32:57.805-07:00I thought I was Strong...<p><span style="font-family:verdana;">Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. </span></p><p><span style="font-family:verdana;">Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me. You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone. </span></p><p><span style="font-family:verdana;">Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me. I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground. But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down</span></p><span style="font-family:verdana;">You're onto me and onto me and all over.<br />Something always brings me back to you<br />it never takes too long<br /><br />*Disclaimer- So I went to take a dance class tonight and we did a combination to this song, at first I just thought oh man it feels so good to dance again and this is such a pretty song (Gravity by Sara Bareilles) But then after we had gotten the combo into our bodies the teacher had us sit and listen to the words to this song... Jules I know you will probably get the first thing that popped into my head when I heard this song... haha. but surprisingly I have about twelve different ways this song can represent my life right now, it just seems to say just enough, and not too much, so i figured I would use this instead of trying to use my own words... hope you all enjoy</span>Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-16958438931114925342007-12-03T22:21:00.000-08:002007-12-03T22:43:58.415-08:00I've come to realize...So today I filled out a survey today on myspace entitled, I've come to realize, so here are the things I've come to realize...<br />I've come to realize that...<br />People are rude and inconsiderate<br />People hardly ever care as much as the say they do<br />People say they lie for my benefit when they really lie for their own<br />I am too sad for my own good (dark and twisty)<br />I let other people have too much control over me<br />I show my emotions way too much<br />I love to pretend<br />I miss dance more than anything<br />I need dance to keep myself sane<br />I am too confused to make my own decisions, but too stuborn to let others make them for me<br />I hate that my mom can make me feel so insecure, even though she loves me and never means to<br />I hate that all I do with my dad is fight<br />I hate how much I love the church, but how much I want to hate it<br />I hate missions and that they take the people I love away<br />I hate how I always only see the good in people, and always end up trusting the wrong people<br />I hate that all my relationships sucked, and the one that was good had to be bad after it was over<br />I am totally and completely in love with Spring Awakening<br />I am going to miss people here more than I let on<br />I am so sick of people treating me like crap<br />I am so tired of always coming in second to Tawny<br />I'm not sure if Disney is for me<br />I am so sick of the fact that I let people treat me like crap<br />I take apologies too easily<br />I wish I could get angry at people<br />People are more two faced than they let on<br />Sometimes the people who love drama the most are the ones who claim to hate it<br />People lie<br />People break promises<br />It hurts worse when people break promises than when they cheat<br />I over analyze everything<br />I can't sleep without texting someone to tell them I love them, most of the time it's Kyle<br />I'm getting way close to my sister in Arizona<br />My mom suggested me moving to Az instead of Florida, and I'm actually considering it now<br />I'm not confident at all<br />Sometimes I hate myself<br />I feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by people<br />The friends that I take from granted are the only ones who really care, Casey that means you!!!<br />Sometimes the person I trust the most is on the wrong side<br />People are so different than I thought<br />I've lost sight of myself<br />and I hate my life most days...<br />kinda sucky I know... but it's trueNessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-84249647595436713122007-11-24T23:31:00.000-08:002007-11-24T23:48:17.073-08:00ParellelSo as I sit here in November of '07 I find myself oddly feeling almost exactly the same as I did in November of '06. It is odd to me, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, part of me is finding comfort in feeling these familiar feelings, but another part of me is feeling uneasy about it...<br />So last year I had a song that I did enjoy very much, the other day my ipod on shuffle played it reminding me of how much I feel parallel to last year, so here are those lyrics, I love them!!!<br />There are no guarantees in life<br />Not for the present, nor for the future<br />All I know is that I'm here<br />Don't know for how long<br />I love the way you live so intensely<br />Enjoying every minute of life<br />With faith to swing your arms around<br />Laughing loudly<br />Unlike me, unlike me<br />Do you think I'm strange?<br />unlike you, unlike you<br />I am not pretending<br />There's no time; there's no time<br />There's no time; time doesn't really exist<br />The past, the present and the future<br />Are all side by side, hand in hand<br />You move and change, yet you go nowhere<br />Everything stays the same<br />You stare at me and ask me questions<br />Makes me nervous, mmm...<br />This room it keeps a constant tone<br />While I'm on a roller coaster<br />Unlike me, unlike me<br />Do you think I'm strange?<br />Unlike you, unlike you<br />I am not pretending<br />There's no time; there's no time<br />There's no time; time doesn't really existNessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-52258926911532627552007-11-24T01:49:00.000-08:002007-11-24T01:53:58.668-08:00Short and sweetOk so this one ought to be short and sweet, just a bit of venting...<br />Why can't I know how things will end now, so I know if this pain is for something, or if it is just there.<br />Why does it still hurt, why do I still feel this way? Is it because something more is meant to happen, or is it because I refuse to let go?<br />Why is it that I can't seem to talk about anything else, I can hear people getting sick of hearing me talk about it, and it's not that I want to stop talking about it, it's my favorite subject, but I want to not have people stop talking to me because it's all I talk about it... GGRRRR!!!<br />Sometimes I hate the unknown, but then there are those times when the unknown is what makes things so great, as Joshua Radin says, the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall...Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-83360453491400405572007-11-22T10:51:00.000-08:002007-11-22T11:10:34.314-08:00I don't do sadness<span style="font-family:Arial;">People say that misery loves company, but to what extent? Recently I was watching an episonde of Will and Grace in which Will and Grace are trying to get pregnant. Grace; however, meets someone before the act is finished. She feels that this person might be the ONE. She asks Will to wait just one month for her to try out this new guy. Will get's angry and gives her to ultimatum, either we do it tomorrow or not at all... Why would he do this? The thing is that Will is not happy! And he cannot stand it when Grace is, misery loves company. But to what extent? They were best friends, when you love someone don't you want them to be happy? When does the line get drawn... Why is it that even a best friend will do anything to keep you miserable?</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Along that subject: why do we keep ourselves unhappy? Last night I went on a drive with a dear friend who told me that she was in love with two boys, one was constant, he loved her, he took care of her, he was so good to/for her. The other is horrible, he was not constant, he may have loved her, but it was a selfish lusty kind of love, he did not take care of her, and he definately was not good for her. But, she continued to tell me, the thing is that she loves them both, but, at the moment, the one she wants the most is the one that is not good for her? Why is that? Then today as I was watching Pushing Daisies I had a revalation, I know another TV reference I'm lame, but on this show there is one character that will not let her self be happy. Why? Then I began to think, is there some kind of comfort or safety in being unhappy? </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Here is my conclusion- There is comfort, oddly, in being unhappy. When you are happy you expect happy things from the world, and what happens when those happy things don't happen, we are let down, which in most cases is worse than never expecting the happy things to begin with. Those of us that are unhappy are that way because we feel comfortable there, and we can't be let down. If you always expect things to be bad you don't have to get your hopes let down. And for my dear friend with the man troubles I think the reason you prefer the bad boy is that he is constantly mean, and with the good guy, I wonder if you fear that one day he will turn on you, and in a sense that will be worse than him being bad all along... oh dear I feel that my point might not be so easy to understand... let's see if I can say it simply... People like being unhappy because then they never have to live with the fear of being let down. How was that? Hopefully it was alright and understandable. ha</span>Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-91897728062889799032007-11-20T21:05:00.000-08:002007-11-20T21:15:13.087-08:00Things to do before FloridaMUSTS....(with people)<br />1.) Go to the Condo 2.) Go to the Hale 3.) Go to Color me mine 4.) Go visit Tracy 5.) Temple Square 6.) "Veg" at Borders 7.) Visit Orem High-and all the people and things inside of it 8.) have a Photoshoot with the Kirks 9.) Go out with Company girls 10.) Late night IHOP 11.) Watch the Fountain with AJ 12.) Trips to Target 13.) Play with the people I will miss 14.) Have sleepover with Kiki 15.) Tunnel Sing 16.) Go to Ikea 17.) Go to B.O.<br />MUSTS....(personal)<br />1.) Dance at the studio 2.) Go to Kellen's spot 3.) Take Jaremy's class 4.) Buy one thing from Black Chandeiler<br />MAYBES....<br />1.) Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory 2.) Tucanos 3.) Bajios<br />Don't worry I'm sure more will be added soon...Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-29524588427809166692007-11-18T15:53:00.000-08:002007-11-18T16:03:03.578-08:00The eyes are the window to your soul...I think one of the first things that I notice about a person is their eyes. Now I have never really seen someone with eyes that were ugly, but I always notice when I love someone's eyes.<br />So... You may wonder why I am spending time to tell that I love eyes, there really is no point to it, I just really like eyes. But then I've heard it said that "the eyes are the window to the soul". What does that even mean? Does it mean that by looking into someone's eyes that you can tell everything about them? Or does it just mean you can get a peek at what they are inside? And if that's true then does it mean that you can look at your own eyes in the mirror and tell everything about yourself? Or do you just get a peek at yourself? Or for that matter does it only work when someone else looks into your eyes?<br />So if my eyes are the window to my soul, what do you see when you look in my eyes? What do they tell about me? Are my eyes discrete, or are the noisy and loud? Or are they completely unreadable? I just wish I knew what they were saying.Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1042347458775513420.post-74484135370333767872007-10-24T23:16:00.000-07:002007-10-25T00:05:34.054-07:00THE moment<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So in my english 1010 class my teacher has just assigned a our final assignment for the semester. We are writing an autobiographical narrative.. I know I know it sounds lame trash writing about our lives... but here's the cool part, we aren't writing about our entire lives, we are required to write about a moment, just a second in time that is significant to me, something that happened in my life to change me in someway, a lightbulb moment if you will. Now today was the first day working on it, our assignment today was to think of a couple "episodes" if you will of our lives, a few of these "moments" then we got into groups and shared them, and according to whichever one got the best reaction we had to pick THE moment. so this assignment plus a few other things happening today has inspired me to write this blog.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">So here I go I am going to tell a few of these moments for you, some of them are more dramatic and more important than the others but they all happened.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">First moment I can remember first rehearsal of Footloose. It was weird up until this moment in my life I had never really thought about theater, all I knew was the dancing world and I had never had time to even think about doing a musical, then all the sudden I made time for it, I realized how exhilerating it was, how much fun it was, what a high it gave me, different from just straight up dancing on stage, I don't even know how to explain the difference, both are amazing both are feelings I love so much, but they are so very different. From that point on I have been addicted to the stage.</span><br />I think the next moment that was life changing for me was... got it... hehe. Ok let me set up the moment. My family and I had gone of vacation to visit my sister and her family in Denver for fourth of July we had just driven the ten hours home, we walked in the door, the first thing we do is to check the messages, this is before I had a cell phone, I listen to message by message of boring new for my parents then it came... I hear a message for me, my friend ashley is crying hysterically on the message and I can't understand a word that she is saying, just something about our friend chase and that I was to call her ASAP no matter what time it was. Immediately I picked up the phone and called her, she answered the phone and her voice was shaky and she said to me, Janessa Chase died today in a Jet Ski accident... I went numb... no feeling at all. We talked a bit and she gave me as many details as she could, then we hung up. I walked out of the room and into the living room and put the phone down my parents asked what happened, I could barely get the words out. It is so weird I can't even explain it, I had dealt with death before, grandparents, even a neice but none of those had felt this bad, somehow this was the most horrible thing that could have happened... I'm not sure if I could explain the change in me, but I know it is there... Something I hadn't thought of til earlier today... I died my hair pink about 2 weeks after this... maybe that's why I did it, or maybe that's why I'm so attatched to the pink hair... I don't know?<br />Next moment... Ok this moments needs a bit of explanation... I have always been this little molly mormon girl with a perfect plan for my life, I have never wanted to leave Utah Valley, I want to graduate and go to BYU go to law school, or PT school, get married have kids etc. So for dance I had to go to Chicago the first weekend in November for a dance convention, now for the past four and a half months I had spent almost everyday with my best friend and boyfriend and we had created a sort of group of about seven or so of us that spent almost all our time together. So I was having such a blast in Chicago loving it there! Saturday came and I danced my heart out all day and that night I was sitting in the hotel room and I called my friend back home to see how things were and then the moment came... he told me that He my bf and two other girlfriends had auditioned for Disneyworld earlier that morning... Things came crashing down around me, Bry was going to leave!!! And I knew that once he left he'd never come home to me, oh my goodness I can't even explain the agony I felt inside, the pain the turmoil, now I know that this isn't true but it's hard not to think this way, but I couldn't help feeling that I wasn't worth it, I wasn't worth him coming home for, I wasn't worth staying with, or waiting for? it was a horrible feeling, but something I was used to feeling, after having everyone you date cheat on you, you kinda always figure that relationships are just bullshit for you, most people deserve good ones, but you feel like there is something about you that is not worth loving something that is not worth making other's see you and respect you... It's so hard I can't even... I don't know this entery is turning out way different than I thought it would but I'm just going to go with it... So here I was, in this amazing relationship, something had to go wrong, remember I'm not worth the good things in life... so there was my bad thing he was leaving me and once again I was left along feeling worthless, but here's the thing I couldn't tell him that if he left I would feel worthless, that would be desperate and low of me, this was his dream and I couldn't ask him to leave that behind for me, that wouldn't be fair to him, so I had to let him do it, no matter how much it hurt me. I spent the next two months in agony, anticipating that moment when he would disappear from my life completely, I was thrown into this pit of darkness and despair that I couldn't see my way out of, there was no way out of it. I tried to stay sane for him, i tried to be rational, but i had the moments when i slipped the moments when i had to run as far away from him as i could, this was something that I couldn't share with him, something that he could never know, he couldn't know how much it hurt me... and that hurt me to hide it from him and to put me life in secret from him. Well he left and my sunshine went with him... four months I talked to him on the phone, we texted and I prayed that by some miracle he would come home as planned in May.<br />Next moment... Spring break senior year, i went to Florida to visit him... The whole week was fun, it was amazing to be with him again, but there was something different... we both knew what was coming, we both knew he didn't know when, if ever, he was going to be home. So the night before I leave to go home there we are sitting in kelly's apartment all just chillin out and I ask him, before you go to bed can we talk? of course he said yes. The rest of the night I agonized over what i was going to say, if i would initiate the breakup, or if he would, or how it would end, secretly hoping that somehow it would end with us still together and madly in love forever. Then the moment came everyone was either asleep in their room or gone home, there we were the two of us alone and he asked, what did you want to talk about. I said you know you aren't coming home and i thinks it's time that this ended, once i said it I knew I would regret it forever. So he agreed we talked all night about everything from making sure that we stayed strong to making promises about not being stupid, which he hasn't kept, to me not dating any more idiots, which I haven't really stuck to either, it was horrible. I felt sick for days thinking of both of us being with other people, it is the most horrible feeling to imagine the one you love in the arms of someone else.. Not fun!<br />Why is it that we have to depend so much on other people to make us happy? Why can't we just be happy on our own... I don't understand what it is, that is exactly wrong with me, why can't I move one, and I don't know how to fix it, and I'm sick of people telling me to fix it, sick of them expecting me to be whole and happy when i left some of me in chicago, and then there's that huge chunk of me stuck back in florida with someone I will always love, who doesn't even know or care that it's still there.. I want those pieces back, I really do, but I won't get them back...ever<br />Sorry this has been a random post, i just neeeded to get all that out... so casey you are the only one who can read this, please be careful and descrete about it!!!Nessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12274300955723905368noreply@blogger.com0