THE moment

So in my english 1010 class my teacher has just assigned a our final assignment for the semester. We are writing an autobiographical narrative.. I know I know it sounds lame trash writing about our lives... but here's the cool part, we aren't writing about our entire lives, we are required to write about a moment, just a second in time that is significant to me, something that happened in my life to change me in someway, a lightbulb moment if you will. Now today was the first day working on it, our assignment today was to think of a couple "episodes" if you will of our lives, a few of these "moments" then we got into groups and shared them, and according to whichever one got the best reaction we had to pick THE moment. so this assignment plus a few other things happening today has inspired me to write this blog.
So here I go I am going to tell a few of these moments for you, some of them are more dramatic and more important than the others but they all happened.
First moment I can remember first rehearsal of Footloose. It was weird up until this moment in my life I had never really thought about theater, all I knew was the dancing world and I had never had time to even think about doing a musical, then all the sudden I made time for it, I realized how exhilerating it was, how much fun it was, what a high it gave me, different from just straight up dancing on stage, I don't even know how to explain the difference, both are amazing both are feelings I love so much, but they are so very different. From that point on I have been addicted to the stage.
I think the next moment that was life changing for me was... got it... hehe. Ok let me set up the moment. My family and I had gone of vacation to visit my sister and her family in Denver for fourth of July we had just driven the ten hours home, we walked in the door, the first thing we do is to check the messages, this is before I had a cell phone, I listen to message by message of boring new for my parents then it came... I hear a message for me, my friend ashley is crying hysterically on the message and I can't understand a word that she is saying, just something about our friend chase and that I was to call her ASAP no matter what time it was. Immediately I picked up the phone and called her, she answered the phone and her voice was shaky and she said to me, Janessa Chase died today in a Jet Ski accident... I went numb... no feeling at all. We talked a bit and she gave me as many details as she could, then we hung up. I walked out of the room and into the living room and put the phone down my parents asked what happened, I could barely get the words out. It is so weird I can't even explain it, I had dealt with death before, grandparents, even a neice but none of those had felt this bad, somehow this was the most horrible thing that could have happened... I'm not sure if I could explain the change in me, but I know it is there... Something I hadn't thought of til earlier today... I died my hair pink about 2 weeks after this... maybe that's why I did it, or maybe that's why I'm so attatched to the pink hair... I don't know?
Next moment... Ok this moments needs a bit of explanation... I have always been this little molly mormon girl with a perfect plan for my life, I have never wanted to leave Utah Valley, I want to graduate and go to BYU go to law school, or PT school, get married have kids etc. So for dance I had to go to Chicago the first weekend in November for a dance convention, now for the past four and a half months I had spent almost everyday with my best friend and boyfriend and we had created a sort of group of about seven or so of us that spent almost all our time together. So I was having such a blast in Chicago loving it there! Saturday came and I danced my heart out all day and that night I was sitting in the hotel room and I called my friend back home to see how things were and then the moment came... he told me that He my bf and two other girlfriends had auditioned for Disneyworld earlier that morning... Things came crashing down around me, Bry was going to leave!!! And I knew that once he left he'd never come home to me, oh my goodness I can't even explain the agony I felt inside, the pain the turmoil, now I know that this isn't true but it's hard not to think this way, but I couldn't help feeling that I wasn't worth it, I wasn't worth him coming home for, I wasn't worth staying with, or waiting for? it was a horrible feeling, but something I was used to feeling, after having everyone you date cheat on you, you kinda always figure that relationships are just bullshit for you, most people deserve good ones, but you feel like there is something about you that is not worth loving something that is not worth making other's see you and respect you... It's so hard I can't even... I don't know this entery is turning out way different than I thought it would but I'm just going to go with it... So here I was, in this amazing relationship, something had to go wrong, remember I'm not worth the good things in life... so there was my bad thing he was leaving me and once again I was left along feeling worthless, but here's the thing I couldn't tell him that if he left I would feel worthless, that would be desperate and low of me, this was his dream and I couldn't ask him to leave that behind for me, that wouldn't be fair to him, so I had to let him do it, no matter how much it hurt me. I spent the next two months in agony, anticipating that moment when he would disappear from my life completely, I was thrown into this pit of darkness and despair that I couldn't see my way out of, there was no way out of it. I tried to stay sane for him, i tried to be rational, but i had the moments when i slipped the moments when i had to run as far away from him as i could, this was something that I couldn't share with him, something that he could never know, he couldn't know how much it hurt me... and that hurt me to hide it from him and to put me life in secret from him. Well he left and my sunshine went with him... four months I talked to him on the phone, we texted and I prayed that by some miracle he would come home as planned in May.
Next moment... Spring break senior year, i went to Florida to visit him... The whole week was fun, it was amazing to be with him again, but there was something different... we both knew what was coming, we both knew he didn't know when, if ever, he was going to be home. So the night before I leave to go home there we are sitting in kelly's apartment all just chillin out and I ask him, before you go to bed can we talk? of course he said yes. The rest of the night I agonized over what i was going to say, if i would initiate the breakup, or if he would, or how it would end, secretly hoping that somehow it would end with us still together and madly in love forever. Then the moment came everyone was either asleep in their room or gone home, there we were the two of us alone and he asked, what did you want to talk about. I said you know you aren't coming home and i thinks it's time that this ended, once i said it I knew I would regret it forever. So he agreed we talked all night about everything from making sure that we stayed strong to making promises about not being stupid, which he hasn't kept, to me not dating any more idiots, which I haven't really stuck to either, it was horrible. I felt sick for days thinking of both of us being with other people, it is the most horrible feeling to imagine the one you love in the arms of someone else.. Not fun!
Why is it that we have to depend so much on other people to make us happy? Why can't we just be happy on our own... I don't understand what it is, that is exactly wrong with me, why can't I move one, and I don't know how to fix it, and I'm sick of people telling me to fix it, sick of them expecting me to be whole and happy when i left some of me in chicago, and then there's that huge chunk of me stuck back in florida with someone I will always love, who doesn't even know or care that it's still there.. I want those pieces back, I really do, but I won't get them back...ever
Sorry this has been a random post, i just neeeded to get all that out... so casey you are the only one who can read this, please be careful and descrete about it!!!