I've come to realize...

So today I filled out a survey today on myspace entitled, I've come to realize, so here are the things I've come to realize...
I've come to realize that...
People are rude and inconsiderate
People hardly ever care as much as the say they do
People say they lie for my benefit when they really lie for their own
I am too sad for my own good (dark and twisty)
I let other people have too much control over me
I show my emotions way too much
I love to pretend
I miss dance more than anything
I need dance to keep myself sane
I am too confused to make my own decisions, but too stuborn to let others make them for me
I hate that my mom can make me feel so insecure, even though she loves me and never means to
I hate that all I do with my dad is fight
I hate how much I love the church, but how much I want to hate it
I hate missions and that they take the people I love away
I hate how I always only see the good in people, and always end up trusting the wrong people
I hate that all my relationships sucked, and the one that was good had to be bad after it was over
I am totally and completely in love with Spring Awakening
I am going to miss people here more than I let on
I am so sick of people treating me like crap
I am so tired of always coming in second to Tawny
I'm not sure if Disney is for me
I am so sick of the fact that I let people treat me like crap
I take apologies too easily
I wish I could get angry at people
People are more two faced than they let on
Sometimes the people who love drama the most are the ones who claim to hate it
People lie
People break promises
It hurts worse when people break promises than when they cheat
I over analyze everything
I can't sleep without texting someone to tell them I love them, most of the time it's Kyle
I'm getting way close to my sister in Arizona
My mom suggested me moving to Az instead of Florida, and I'm actually considering it now
I'm not confident at all
Sometimes I hate myself
I feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by people
The friends that I take from granted are the only ones who really care, Casey that means you!!!
Sometimes the person I trust the most is on the wrong side
People are so different than I thought
I've lost sight of myself
and I hate my life most days...
kinda sucky I know... but it's true

Parellel

So as I sit here in November of '07 I find myself oddly feeling almost exactly the same as I did in November of '06. It is odd to me, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, part of me is finding comfort in feeling these familiar feelings, but another part of me is feeling uneasy about it...
So last year I had a song that I did enjoy very much, the other day my ipod on shuffle played it reminding me of how much I feel parallel to last year, so here are those lyrics, I love them!!!
There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present, nor for the future
All I know is that I'm here
Don't know for how long
I love the way you live so intensely
Enjoying every minute of life
With faith to swing your arms around
Laughing loudly
Unlike me, unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
unlike you, unlike you
I am not pretending
There's no time; there's no time
There's no time; time doesn't really exist
The past, the present and the future
Are all side by side, hand in hand
You move and change, yet you go nowhere
Everything stays the same
You stare at me and ask me questions
Makes me nervous, mmm...
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster
Unlike me, unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you, unlike you
I am not pretending
There's no time; there's no time
There's no time; time doesn't really exist

Short and sweet

Ok so this one ought to be short and sweet, just a bit of venting...
Why can't I know how things will end now, so I know if this pain is for something, or if it is just there.
Why does it still hurt, why do I still feel this way? Is it because something more is meant to happen, or is it because I refuse to let go?
Why is it that I can't seem to talk about anything else, I can hear people getting sick of hearing me talk about it, and it's not that I want to stop talking about it, it's my favorite subject, but I want to not have people stop talking to me because it's all I talk about it... GGRRRR!!!
Sometimes I hate the unknown, but then there are those times when the unknown is what makes things so great, as Joshua Radin says, the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall...

I don't do sadness

People say that misery loves company, but to what extent? Recently I was watching an episonde of Will and Grace in which Will and Grace are trying to get pregnant. Grace; however, meets someone before the act is finished. She feels that this person might be the ONE. She asks Will to wait just one month for her to try out this new guy. Will get's angry and gives her to ultimatum, either we do it tomorrow or not at all... Why would he do this? The thing is that Will is not happy! And he cannot stand it when Grace is, misery loves company. But to what extent? They were best friends, when you love someone don't you want them to be happy? When does the line get drawn... Why is it that even a best friend will do anything to keep you miserable?
Along that subject: why do we keep ourselves unhappy? Last night I went on a drive with a dear friend who told me that she was in love with two boys, one was constant, he loved her, he took care of her, he was so good to/for her. The other is horrible, he was not constant, he may have loved her, but it was a selfish lusty kind of love, he did not take care of her, and he definately was not good for her. But, she continued to tell me, the thing is that she loves them both, but, at the moment, the one she wants the most is the one that is not good for her? Why is that? Then today as I was watching Pushing Daisies I had a revalation, I know another TV reference I'm lame, but on this show there is one character that will not let her self be happy. Why? Then I began to think, is there some kind of comfort or safety in being unhappy?
Here is my conclusion- There is comfort, oddly, in being unhappy. When you are happy you expect happy things from the world, and what happens when those happy things don't happen, we are let down, which in most cases is worse than never expecting the happy things to begin with. Those of us that are unhappy are that way because we feel comfortable there, and we can't be let down. If you always expect things to be bad you don't have to get your hopes let down. And for my dear friend with the man troubles I think the reason you prefer the bad boy is that he is constantly mean, and with the good guy, I wonder if you fear that one day he will turn on you, and in a sense that will be worse than him being bad all along... oh dear I feel that my point might not be so easy to understand... let's see if I can say it simply... People like being unhappy because then they never have to live with the fear of being let down. How was that? Hopefully it was alright and understandable. ha

Things to do before Florida

MUSTS....(with people)
1.) Go to the Condo 2.) Go to the Hale 3.) Go to Color me mine 4.) Go visit Tracy 5.) Temple Square 6.) "Veg" at Borders 7.) Visit Orem High-and all the people and things inside of it 8.) have a Photoshoot with the Kirks 9.) Go out with Company girls 10.) Late night IHOP 11.) Watch the Fountain with AJ 12.) Trips to Target 13.) Play with the people I will miss 14.) Have sleepover with Kiki 15.) Tunnel Sing 16.) Go to Ikea 17.) Go to B.O.
MUSTS....(personal)
1.) Dance at the studio 2.) Go to Kellen's spot 3.) Take Jaremy's class 4.) Buy one thing from Black Chandeiler
MAYBES....
1.) Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory 2.) Tucanos 3.) Bajios
Don't worry I'm sure more will be added soon...

The eyes are the window to your soul...

I think one of the first things that I notice about a person is their eyes. Now I have never really seen someone with eyes that were ugly, but I always notice when I love someone's eyes.
So... You may wonder why I am spending time to tell that I love eyes, there really is no point to it, I just really like eyes. But then I've heard it said that "the eyes are the window to the soul". What does that even mean? Does it mean that by looking into someone's eyes that you can tell everything about them? Or does it just mean you can get a peek at what they are inside? And if that's true then does it mean that you can look at your own eyes in the mirror and tell everything about yourself? Or do you just get a peek at yourself? Or for that matter does it only work when someone else looks into your eyes?
So if my eyes are the window to my soul, what do you see when you look in my eyes? What do they tell about me? Are my eyes discrete, or are the noisy and loud? Or are they completely unreadable? I just wish I knew what they were saying.

THE moment

So in my english 1010 class my teacher has just assigned a our final assignment for the semester. We are writing an autobiographical narrative.. I know I know it sounds lame trash writing about our lives... but here's the cool part, we aren't writing about our entire lives, we are required to write about a moment, just a second in time that is significant to me, something that happened in my life to change me in someway, a lightbulb moment if you will. Now today was the first day working on it, our assignment today was to think of a couple "episodes" if you will of our lives, a few of these "moments" then we got into groups and shared them, and according to whichever one got the best reaction we had to pick THE moment. so this assignment plus a few other things happening today has inspired me to write this blog.
So here I go I am going to tell a few of these moments for you, some of them are more dramatic and more important than the others but they all happened.
First moment I can remember first rehearsal of Footloose. It was weird up until this moment in my life I had never really thought about theater, all I knew was the dancing world and I had never had time to even think about doing a musical, then all the sudden I made time for it, I realized how exhilerating it was, how much fun it was, what a high it gave me, different from just straight up dancing on stage, I don't even know how to explain the difference, both are amazing both are feelings I love so much, but they are so very different. From that point on I have been addicted to the stage.
I think the next moment that was life changing for me was... got it... hehe. Ok let me set up the moment. My family and I had gone of vacation to visit my sister and her family in Denver for fourth of July we had just driven the ten hours home, we walked in the door, the first thing we do is to check the messages, this is before I had a cell phone, I listen to message by message of boring new for my parents then it came... I hear a message for me, my friend ashley is crying hysterically on the message and I can't understand a word that she is saying, just something about our friend chase and that I was to call her ASAP no matter what time it was. Immediately I picked up the phone and called her, she answered the phone and her voice was shaky and she said to me, Janessa Chase died today in a Jet Ski accident... I went numb... no feeling at all. We talked a bit and she gave me as many details as she could, then we hung up. I walked out of the room and into the living room and put the phone down my parents asked what happened, I could barely get the words out. It is so weird I can't even explain it, I had dealt with death before, grandparents, even a neice but none of those had felt this bad, somehow this was the most horrible thing that could have happened... I'm not sure if I could explain the change in me, but I know it is there... Something I hadn't thought of til earlier today... I died my hair pink about 2 weeks after this... maybe that's why I did it, or maybe that's why I'm so attatched to the pink hair... I don't know?
Next moment... Ok this moments needs a bit of explanation... I have always been this little molly mormon girl with a perfect plan for my life, I have never wanted to leave Utah Valley, I want to graduate and go to BYU go to law school, or PT school, get married have kids etc. So for dance I had to go to Chicago the first weekend in November for a dance convention, now for the past four and a half months I had spent almost everyday with my best friend and boyfriend and we had created a sort of group of about seven or so of us that spent almost all our time together. So I was having such a blast in Chicago loving it there! Saturday came and I danced my heart out all day and that night I was sitting in the hotel room and I called my friend back home to see how things were and then the moment came... he told me that He my bf and two other girlfriends had auditioned for Disneyworld earlier that morning... Things came crashing down around me, Bry was going to leave!!! And I knew that once he left he'd never come home to me, oh my goodness I can't even explain the agony I felt inside, the pain the turmoil, now I know that this isn't true but it's hard not to think this way, but I couldn't help feeling that I wasn't worth it, I wasn't worth him coming home for, I wasn't worth staying with, or waiting for? it was a horrible feeling, but something I was used to feeling, after having everyone you date cheat on you, you kinda always figure that relationships are just bullshit for you, most people deserve good ones, but you feel like there is something about you that is not worth loving something that is not worth making other's see you and respect you... It's so hard I can't even... I don't know this entery is turning out way different than I thought it would but I'm just going to go with it... So here I was, in this amazing relationship, something had to go wrong, remember I'm not worth the good things in life... so there was my bad thing he was leaving me and once again I was left along feeling worthless, but here's the thing I couldn't tell him that if he left I would feel worthless, that would be desperate and low of me, this was his dream and I couldn't ask him to leave that behind for me, that wouldn't be fair to him, so I had to let him do it, no matter how much it hurt me. I spent the next two months in agony, anticipating that moment when he would disappear from my life completely, I was thrown into this pit of darkness and despair that I couldn't see my way out of, there was no way out of it. I tried to stay sane for him, i tried to be rational, but i had the moments when i slipped the moments when i had to run as far away from him as i could, this was something that I couldn't share with him, something that he could never know, he couldn't know how much it hurt me... and that hurt me to hide it from him and to put me life in secret from him. Well he left and my sunshine went with him... four months I talked to him on the phone, we texted and I prayed that by some miracle he would come home as planned in May.
Next moment... Spring break senior year, i went to Florida to visit him... The whole week was fun, it was amazing to be with him again, but there was something different... we both knew what was coming, we both knew he didn't know when, if ever, he was going to be home. So the night before I leave to go home there we are sitting in kelly's apartment all just chillin out and I ask him, before you go to bed can we talk? of course he said yes. The rest of the night I agonized over what i was going to say, if i would initiate the breakup, or if he would, or how it would end, secretly hoping that somehow it would end with us still together and madly in love forever. Then the moment came everyone was either asleep in their room or gone home, there we were the two of us alone and he asked, what did you want to talk about. I said you know you aren't coming home and i thinks it's time that this ended, once i said it I knew I would regret it forever. So he agreed we talked all night about everything from making sure that we stayed strong to making promises about not being stupid, which he hasn't kept, to me not dating any more idiots, which I haven't really stuck to either, it was horrible. I felt sick for days thinking of both of us being with other people, it is the most horrible feeling to imagine the one you love in the arms of someone else.. Not fun!
Why is it that we have to depend so much on other people to make us happy? Why can't we just be happy on our own... I don't understand what it is, that is exactly wrong with me, why can't I move one, and I don't know how to fix it, and I'm sick of people telling me to fix it, sick of them expecting me to be whole and happy when i left some of me in chicago, and then there's that huge chunk of me stuck back in florida with someone I will always love, who doesn't even know or care that it's still there.. I want those pieces back, I really do, but I won't get them back...ever
Sorry this has been a random post, i just neeeded to get all that out... so casey you are the only one who can read this, please be careful and descrete about it!!!